The Mama Podcast

06. Raising children responsibly with Nevena Bazalac, Dubai's #1 family expert and coach.

August 25, 2020 Sumayya Sarwar
The Mama Podcast
06. Raising children responsibly with Nevena Bazalac, Dubai's #1 family expert and coach.
Show Notes Transcript

Nevena shares her top tips on how to raise children responsibly and which of our behaviours as parents has the largest impact on the child. She shares her insight into what type of communication style and phrases we should be using to support and guide the growth of our little ones into well rounded, confident individuals.

Nevena is best known for her unique “Successful Parenting” Program that provides guidance to parents on how to deal with the most common struggles in parenting, reduce stress, guilt, and worries, re-build harmony in their family, enjoy parenthood more and help their children achieve success in life.

Nevena is also a published author of books “Nursery Yes or No?, “Successful Parenting” and “Create Your Own Future” Program for Orphanages that has a goal to empower children growing up in institutions, without parental guidance, and in poverty.

Find more details on Nevena's website.
Instagram: @nevenabazalac


We love hearing from you, contact us, email: hello@mymamaapp.com

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Intro music: www.bensound.com

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hi mama you're listening to the mama

podcast it's Sumayya here the co-founder


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of mama ME app mama me is the first app to


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exclusively connect mothers across the

middle east


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connects with like-minded mamas and

creates lifelong friendships


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at mama we are all about connecting

mamas to empower women


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so let's join together and make this

mission a reality


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today i'm joined by the lovely nevina

she's dubai's number one harmonious


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family expert

and coach author and speaker


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over the last decade nebaner has worked

with over 600 families helping them


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rebuild harmony

and set their children on the right path


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let's listen into today's episode

hi nevina thank you so much for joining


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me on the podcast and welcome to the

mama podcast


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thank you samaya it's pleasure being

here and i'm big fan of everything


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you're doing

the app connecting with you was so


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amazing

and thank you for having me yeah i've


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learned so much from you already and i

know you'll share


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so much information in this podcast so

um let's get


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started straight away can we start with

you just giving us a background


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and the listeners a little bit of a

background of um what


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what you do now and what led you to that

as well


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well at the moment i do a few few things

but i like to say


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in general who am i i'm someone who is

very passionate about life


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passionate about children and families

and


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currently i mostly work in coaching i

have my coaching online programs


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group coaching individual coaching and i

have families


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rebuild the harmony because most of the

families they struggle with negative


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emotions

this is what we discovered through my


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decade of my work so they struggle with

anxiety


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fears worries overthinking you know this

is and we feel very overwhelmed and then


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we notice that

usually when your children are between


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two and seven years old this is

when parents report is the most


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difficult for them they lose the harmony

in a way children now uh want much more


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attention from you

right and then maybe have a second child


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and then you have your work

your husband is balancing his work


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you're balancing your work

so um you know and then people are like


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oh my god this is not the relationship

we had before we are so tired we're


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overwhelmed

you're enjoying it but it can be very


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stressful and this is where i jump in

uh i really hope people enjoy parenting


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more uh

rebuild stronger relationship and move


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you know i like to say from good to

outstanding because a lot of people are


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having prejudice oh if we if we ask for

help when it comes to family


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it means that we are doing something

wrong it means that i'm not a good


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mother or i'm not a good father

and i always like to say it's not about


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that it's about really going on the next

level we can always become better


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we can always learn more and our

relationships with our children with our


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partner with our you know

uh family now you have grandparents who


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want to be involved it can be very

complicated different cultures as well


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so we we just want to make this family

harmonious as much as possible so


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everybody

are joyful and happy but let me just go


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step back so people know a little bit

more about my background


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as well i'm originally from serbia and i

think a part of my passion i think big


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part of my passion comes from my

personal journey


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um i didn't grow up in harmonious family

my parents who stayed together 25 years


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but

it wasn't harmony at all and they didn't


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have a good relationship and i think

i learned so much from it i learned the


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things when parents ask me oh will this

we're gonna talk about this today right


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but will this influence my child

and then they're not aware of some other


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things that really influence the

children


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and i think because i went through that

myself


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you know i i really remember some small

things when i was very young that


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kind of hurt us you know parents don't

do this intentionally but


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they leave an impact on us and we all

have these memories right we only why


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why parents didn't do this or that

of course i always like to say parents


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do the best they can

and that's that point um and


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we never never should blame our parents

for anything but we just want to have an


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understanding

and see later on as we grow up how to


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rebuild that relationship

and me i'm very happy that i managed to


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rebuild relationship with my dad

specifically through everything we've


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been through and this was my personal

journey because i went through so much


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you know negative emotions and before

hate and anger


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um and then i was disappointed also

because i didn't have the support


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and i i had to learn so much i had my

coaches i learned from tony robbins and


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others and i learned so much

about myself and when we go to our


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personal journey then

i believe we can truly help others but


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then my background i loved working with

children i started working with children


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i was 15

and i was in a university for child


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development and psychology

specifically specializing in working


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with children with

special needs and i went to sign up when


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i was 20 years old to volunteer in our

government orphanage and we had around


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400 children over there

and there were most of them eighty


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percent ninety percent

children with disabilities so it was an


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incredible learning experience for me

because what i learned also that


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what i'm studying in university doesn't

necessarily bring results in practice


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so i'm someone who is very passionate

about really looking for solution in


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practice

and finding people who can teach you and


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you know from the tony robbins

testimonial himself he was my mentor he


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said

in what he mentioned the most stressful


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environment

are those practical environments because


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when you are there in orphanage when you

are now trying to support child


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development and nothing is working

you have to find solution okay how i


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build this why is this child

behaving like this what is triggering


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them and so on

and my coaching journey started over


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there i joined

uh a center we had a daily center and we


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had parents who were supposed to come

and uh you know bring uh pic take the


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children back because for certain

reasons the social service will just


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take the child for some time and then we

would assess parents and see if they're


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ready emotionally they're ready

financially they can really give support


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so this is where my coaching journey

started i've been in dubai for four


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years

now and i also had a pleasure to really


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manage a group of nurseries here

um which was an incredible experience


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and what i love about dubai that gave me

a lot of knowledge about traditions a


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lot of knowledge about how

culture and how depending on which


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culture

we grow up and what our parents teach us


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how we represent this to our children

so i can see that here we had 83


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nationalities

in in nurseries in dubai so it was an


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incredible experience

and um yes i'm published author of of uh


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book nursery yes or no and my second

book is coming


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out soon it's going to be specifically

about this topic that we are talking


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about parenting and the emotions

parents go through so yes i mean this is


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it

i also had a pleasure to train i work


0:07:07.840,0:07:10.960

closely with schools and nurseries i

train professionals


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because i believe it's a congruence

circle right you have teachers you have


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parents you have children

and everybody you're engaged and


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everybody has to be on the

same page so in the last three four


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years i trained over

i don't know thousands of professionals


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managers leaders

and teachers so it's it's a pleasure to


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hear their opinions and their parents as

well so it's it's constant


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learning and i'm very passionate about

it and um i'm just


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feeling so grateful and blessed for

everything i am able to do


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it's incredible what you've been um up

to over the last sort of four


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four years in dubai and then previous to

that as well and


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honestly you're so inspiring i every

time i have a conversation with you


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i learn something new so um yeah

i'm so like grateful that i can speak to


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you and like you know you're here

talking to me today


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um i think you touched on quite a few

things there


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and i'm really interested to find out

about the cultures but i think if we're


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going to that conversation right now

we'll probably end up in a deeper hall


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of like a completely different

conversation


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um so maybe something to talk about at

some stage


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um in the future but i'd really love to

talk about


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um what or how we impact our children so

what we do as parents can and how that


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impacts

children in a positive and a negative


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way because i know

obviously we try to do everything that's


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helpful and we want

them to grow in a certain way but how


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like what are those things and i'm sure

you've got a lot of um information on


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that as well

yeah well first i always like to start


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that you know parenting is about us

not our children and i think you and me


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we had this conversation before but

uh you know you have to unders we have


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to understand that it's our personal

journey we have to become better


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and unfortunately we always say oh my

child is triggering me they're not


0:09:02.640,0:09:06.080

listening to me

and so on so i'm like you know they're


0:09:06.080,0:09:08.640

not there to listen to you we are there

to guide them


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we are there to guide them and raise

them to become the best version of


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themselves

but we also have to remember we are role


0:09:14.959,0:09:17.279

models and i would start with this i

think


0:09:17.279,0:09:22.800

uh we like to say children don't

listen they're watching so if you're


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saying one thing but then doing another

thing you're gonna have opposite results


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right children

are observed if you're telling them to


0:09:29.120,0:09:33.760

be calm and kind and then you go to the

supermarket and you shout at someone


0:09:33.760,0:09:38.320

you know they're gonna learn to behave

this way so we cannot teach


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one thing preach one thing and leave

another another one


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um and it's a it's a journey for

ourselves i mean for me we always all


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have everyday challenges to become

better to be more kind to react and


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stressful situation

and let go of other things and another


0:09:53.839,0:09:56.320

thing

uh first one right understanding


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parenting is about us

and another thing our journey and second


0:10:00.800,0:10:03.839

thing i would like to

mention is understanding of child


0:10:03.839,0:10:06.959

development in general understanding of

the mind


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and this is something i learned and i

think the most powerful information i


0:10:10.959,0:10:16.560

learned is from my mentor bob proctor

he's a pioneer in mindset i absolutely


0:10:16.560,0:10:20.000

love

bob and i learned from him he actually


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simplified you know read so many books

in psychology conscious mind


0:10:23.760,0:10:26.959

subconscious mind

but if you have a chance you know i from


0:10:26.959,0:10:30.880

my heart i don't you know get anything

from recommending but bob is really one


0:10:30.880,0:10:34.320

you can find

so many materials on the mind and our


0:10:34.320,0:10:37.680

behavior from him

and what he did he very simplified


0:10:37.680,0:10:40.880

things and

once i learned this he gave me such a


0:10:40.880,0:10:43.839

clear picture why we behave in a certain

way


0:10:43.839,0:10:48.079

and how are children also learning so

we're going to touch on this point


0:10:48.079,0:10:52.160

but first we i would start by saying

that you know we we learned that we know


0:10:52.160,0:10:55.680

we have

conscious and subconscious mind but to


0:10:55.680,0:11:00.320

understand it we like to say that

conscious mind is an intellectual mind


0:11:00.320,0:11:03.440

right so it's the mind where we collect

information


0:11:03.440,0:11:07.600

and you can have a lot of information

but then you don't have to have any


0:11:07.600,0:11:11.680

results and i'm sure you know someone

like this right they are so smart


0:11:11.680,0:11:16.160

they they can have the best education

but in life they don't get any results


0:11:16.160,0:11:19.839

and then we have all those entrepreneurs

like richard branson


0:11:19.839,0:11:23.920

you know and all of those successful

people even bob proctor he didn't finish


0:11:23.920,0:11:27.200

he's talking about himself right he

didn't even finish high school


0:11:27.200,0:11:31.920

and they they have tremendous success so

he was the one first who was obsessed


0:11:31.920,0:11:34.399

right

why we do things and get those results


0:11:34.399,0:11:38.560

and when i started studying this in

depth and working with him


0:11:38.560,0:11:42.000

i really started understanding myself

and then understanding children because


0:11:42.000,0:11:45.040

i've been working with children for so

long and i see


0:11:45.040,0:11:48.160

how we can get really good results with

them


0:11:48.160,0:11:51.519

um so the first thing i like to mention

now is


0:11:51.519,0:11:55.120

we have to understand what is

subconscious mind and subconscious mind


0:11:55.120,0:11:59.440

is the part of the mind where basically

we collect our habits right


0:11:59.440,0:12:05.839

and we function on the habits um

so everything you do in the morning your


0:12:05.839,0:12:08.000

my

your brain and your mind actually want


0:12:08.000,0:12:11.200

to create habits so you don't have to

think about every single


0:12:11.200,0:12:15.200

uh thing you do so if you have to get up

and brush your feet you're not gonna


0:12:15.200,0:12:18.240

think how you're gonna do it

you're not gonna think how to open


0:12:18.240,0:12:21.120

things how to put your trousers and so

on


0:12:21.120,0:12:24.720

and this is very interesting for me

because


0:12:24.720,0:12:28.320

we start collecting habits and as we

have habits what we do in the morning


0:12:28.320,0:12:31.600

what we do during the day what do we do

with our free time


0:12:31.600,0:12:36.720

and so on this is something that was

that it brings us results and when it


0:12:36.720,0:12:39.920

comes to children in the first six to

seven years


0:12:39.920,0:12:43.920

we always say this is golden years right

because what we do in this time


0:12:43.920,0:12:47.120

is gonna really reflect and build

children character build their


0:12:47.120,0:12:50.560

personality

and interesting information that i


0:12:50.560,0:12:54.320

learned is that the subconscious mind is

completely open


0:12:54.320,0:12:57.519

which means everything we pour in is

gonna


0:12:57.519,0:13:01.360

you know leave some kind of mark on

children and we want to really be


0:13:01.360,0:13:05.279

cautious what we are doing

and one of the things that we don't


0:13:05.279,0:13:08.639

understand is that even if you play

something on the tv that's not


0:13:08.639,0:13:11.440

appropriate and the child is just

playing in the corner


0:13:11.440,0:13:16.000

they're still listening to something and

it will go to their mind


0:13:16.000,0:13:20.320

and we want to be cautious things we are

saying right and


0:13:20.320,0:13:24.320

things that we're exposing children to

because it can sometimes


0:13:24.320,0:13:27.920

leave you know we can have they can have

nightmares and bad dreams because


0:13:27.920,0:13:32.399

they're not

understanding it yet so um to start to


0:13:32.399,0:13:36.160

to continue right so we

have now the mind is open and what i


0:13:36.160,0:13:39.199

learned is this also

helped me understand how we learn


0:13:39.199,0:13:42.800

languages for example and why we can

learn any language


0:13:42.800,0:13:47.360

in the world so children as the

subconscious mind is open


0:13:47.360,0:13:50.399

when we expose them to for example

different languages


0:13:50.399,0:13:53.920

they cannot reject and say no i'm not

going to learn english or french or


0:13:53.920,0:13:57.120

arabic

so they're listening to it and they


0:13:57.120,0:14:00.240

gonna learn it

of course how much and how good will


0:14:00.240,0:14:03.440

depend also if they have opportunity to

use the language


0:14:03.440,0:14:08.079

so this when i start studying and then i

start applying it to different areas


0:14:08.079,0:14:11.199

especially language for example it makes

so much sense


0:14:11.199,0:14:14.320

because everything we are pouring in

they cannot reject


0:14:14.320,0:14:18.320

the behavior that we are teaching them

information we are giving to them


0:14:18.320,0:14:22.639

they gonna adopt the behavior you know

very funny in uae you have these


0:14:22.639,0:14:25.519

cultures

for example people from india how they


0:14:25.519,0:14:28.959

have their body language and you see

small childhoods you know nodding their


0:14:28.959,0:14:31.760

head

which is so funny right they're copying


0:14:31.760,0:14:37.120

everything they see in the family

and uh it's incredible right then they


0:14:37.120,0:14:40.160

speak the way

the same way the mom speaks they use the


0:14:40.160,0:14:44.000

same vocabulary

so they're learning based on the things


0:14:44.000,0:14:48.160

they're exposed to

and i mean in all different cultures we


0:14:48.160,0:14:52.959

can see the way the vocabulary

and language and so on so this is


0:14:52.959,0:14:56.720

incredibly interesting for me and i'm

still learning and always learning more


0:14:56.720,0:15:01.120

and i think as we continue uh we're

gonna talk specifically on some things i


0:15:01.120,0:15:05.360

also noticed and i know we shouldn't do

and then some things that we should do


0:15:05.360,0:15:08.079

to really set our children for success

and


0:15:08.079,0:15:13.600

build confidence and self-esteem in them

yeah i think so we all want to raise a


0:15:13.600,0:15:17.600

confident

and empathic human


0:15:17.600,0:15:22.320

and yeah i'd love to hear what those

things are to be able to


0:15:22.320,0:15:28.880

um raise a confident independent

thoughtful you know all these traits


0:15:28.880,0:15:31.680

that we really don't do want in our

child


0:15:31.680,0:15:35.519

yeah so i mean if you i don't know if

you want to speak about this topic today


0:15:35.519,0:15:39.360

or we keep it for another because it's

the whole difficult different topic


0:15:39.360,0:15:43.440

but um if you agree i would just stay

with some things that let's let's maybe


0:15:43.440,0:15:48.320

start with five things that

we we shouldn't do right sure um if if


0:15:48.320,0:15:52.800

you're fine with it yeah absolutely

i think i lead i'll yes i don't want to


0:15:52.800,0:15:57.680

direct you off topic completely because

um yeah let's stick to what we agreed


0:15:57.680,0:15:59.920

which is

let's talk about the positives and


0:15:59.920,0:16:05.199

negatives of how we can raise a more

responsibly raise a child yeah because


0:16:05.199,0:16:08.000

there is so much information and i know

if we go into raising


0:16:08.000,0:16:11.199

confidence and independence we're just

going to stay there


0:16:11.199,0:16:15.600

so maybe we can we can arrange for

another another episode if the listeners


0:16:15.600,0:16:20.800

would love to hear that this as well

so um first thing i would like to say


0:16:20.800,0:16:26.079

very important to understand is children

um we have higher faculties so some


0:16:26.079,0:16:30.880

some capabilities and things of mind

it makes us different than the animals


0:16:30.880,0:16:35.120

and one of the things is

imagination right and also reasoning


0:16:35.120,0:16:38.800

which means

ability to think about our thinking so


0:16:38.800,0:16:42.240

when you have a thought you can say oh

is this thought good or bad


0:16:42.240,0:16:46.320

or how why am i thinking this why am i

not feeling this way right we can


0:16:46.320,0:16:50.000

we can analyze and evaluate our thinking

and another


0:16:50.000,0:16:54.240

another higher faculty we have is for

example imagination


0:16:54.240,0:16:58.000

and imagination is so powerful tool and

unfortunately


0:16:58.000,0:17:02.639

educational system and families are very

often suppressing imagination they will


0:17:02.639,0:17:06.400

tell you stop fantasizing

stop looking through the window you you


0:17:06.400,0:17:09.839

don't live in the real world right even

when we are adults and you have a dream


0:17:09.839,0:17:12.799

and you want to achieve something they

said that's not going to work you're not


0:17:12.799,0:17:15.600

realistic so they tell you to be

realistic


0:17:15.600,0:17:20.880

and if we really look around ourselves

if you look at this laptop if you look


0:17:20.880,0:17:25.280

at your car if you look

and you think 100 years ago none of this


0:17:25.280,0:17:28.799

exists

right if you look at the painting so


0:17:28.799,0:17:32.960

everything we created

came from someone's mind it was once


0:17:32.960,0:17:37.840

only an idea

right and imagination is so powerful and


0:17:37.840,0:17:42.400

i truly believe the things we imagine

if we really work towards it if we you


0:17:42.400,0:17:44.880

know invest some kind of work to think

over them


0:17:44.880,0:17:48.720

you know they say we become what we

think so we can create our life and i


0:17:48.720,0:17:51.520

experienced this in

my life changed direction of my life so


0:17:51.520,0:17:54.720

many times

and i now understand i have the


0:17:54.720,0:17:57.120

awareness and i understand how powerful

this


0:17:57.120,0:18:01.360

is so as parents we don't want to kill

imagination right


0:18:01.360,0:18:04.799

we want to let children play as much as

possible


0:18:04.799,0:18:09.120

and as longer as possible right a lot of

culture are so


0:18:09.120,0:18:14.000

focused on academic skills on reading

and writing and math and i think child


0:18:14.000,0:18:17.440

is super smart if they know you know all

the alphabet


0:18:17.440,0:18:22.880

and um this is topic on itself but

uh very important to understand that we


0:18:22.880,0:18:27.039

want to foster imagination

in children and we want to let them play


0:18:27.039,0:18:30.000

because through play

they're learning so much and they need


0:18:30.000,0:18:35.360

to have at least few hours a day

to play even when they're you know 10 11


0:18:35.360,0:18:39.840

they should have some time to play and

do some sports i love sports so much


0:18:39.840,0:18:43.840

so imagination killing imagination and

suppressing imagination telling children


0:18:43.840,0:18:48.160

to be realistic

to not fantasize uh it's


0:18:48.160,0:18:51.360

it's the first thing we want to avoid

doing because it's something that can


0:18:51.360,0:18:55.520

really

make it very powerful on on the opposite


0:18:55.520,0:18:59.120

what you want to do in this situation is

you want to keep asking children


0:18:59.120,0:19:02.080

questions

oh how do you imagine this why you want


0:19:02.080,0:19:05.120

to do it

um what happened then if they're telling


0:19:05.120,0:19:08.160

your story if they're playing with their

dolls or if they're playing with their


0:19:08.160,0:19:11.520

legos you want to keep

asking them what happened then what you


0:19:11.520,0:19:16.240

know what did she do what did she say

and you just listen and you're gonna see


0:19:16.240,0:19:20.000

how your child

observes you know the the world how do


0:19:20.000,0:19:24.640

you observe the world how much they know

um and then you want to see what moral


0:19:24.640,0:19:28.400

lesson we want to teach them and what

kind of like you said a kind person


0:19:28.400,0:19:33.600

empathic person we want them to become

and second thing i think we we have to


0:19:33.600,0:19:37.360

avoid

definitely is like mocking and making


0:19:37.360,0:19:40.720

jokes

on children sometimes and in different


0:19:40.720,0:19:42.640

cultures this is something i've been

through


0:19:42.640,0:19:46.640

and i always felt to my mom like why

would you do and say this


0:19:46.640,0:19:49.679

but they don't have awareness they were

raised in the same way


0:19:49.679,0:19:53.200

so you know they would mock they would

say hi you're so ugly or


0:19:53.200,0:19:57.039

i i found the video i didn't have my

teeth my mom says haha look at you don't


0:19:57.039,0:20:00.400

have teeth and i was so confident i

would say i don't care


0:20:00.400,0:20:03.760

you know and i would just keep singing

and dancing on the video it was so much


0:20:03.760,0:20:07.120

fun to see

and i looked at myself and i said wow


0:20:07.120,0:20:11.280

like children are so

confident but if we keep doing this it


0:20:11.280,0:20:16.480

really can suppress their confidence

so telling children mocking in a way


0:20:16.480,0:20:19.200

like a joke

and some cultures they believe it's


0:20:19.200,0:20:23.120

going to make them stronger i think it's

in my culture as well like you know


0:20:23.120,0:20:26.640

make them tougher i don't know we've

been through so much i'm from serbia we


0:20:26.640,0:20:29.520

had you know when i was growing up of

wars and things so


0:20:29.520,0:20:33.120

people just wanted you to be tough you

know um


0:20:33.120,0:20:37.360

so i think definitely something you want

to avoid telling your children you know


0:20:37.360,0:20:41.760

even even sometimes as a joke like oh

you're dumb you're stupid


0:20:41.760,0:20:45.200

and things like that because what

happens if they listen and hear it


0:20:45.200,0:20:49.760

so many times it impress in their mind

and subconscious mind and they create a


0:20:49.760,0:20:54.080

self-image of themselves as ugly

or chubby you know they always call me


0:20:54.080,0:20:57.440

chubby when i wasn't chubby

and then i had the self-image of myself


0:20:57.440,0:21:01.679

that i'm chubby and i'm like i'm not

actually chubby why i believe this about


0:21:01.679,0:21:06.480

myself because it was suppressed

around my family as a kind of joke or


0:21:06.480,0:21:09.919

you know sometimes

we love children say you are my monkey


0:21:09.919,0:21:13.200

and things like that

so why would we call them these words so


0:21:13.200,0:21:17.919

we want to be very

very careful um about that and um


0:21:17.919,0:21:22.480

also things like saying a lot of people

are saying oh you're naughty


0:21:22.480,0:21:26.320

um you know you're a bad boy or you're a

bad girl


0:21:26.320,0:21:29.360

what we want to do is differentiate

behavior


0:21:29.360,0:21:34.559

from a child so if if a child is not

doing something correctly you want to


0:21:34.559,0:21:39.120

tell them that you're very disappointing

uh disappointed in their behavior but


0:21:39.120,0:21:43.120

not in them

that their behavior is not okay because


0:21:43.120,0:21:45.520

if you

if you behave in a different way they're


0:21:45.520,0:21:49.120

gonna have different results

if you wanna in a way punish them i


0:21:49.120,0:21:51.679

don't know maybe take their ipad if

they're really not


0:21:51.679,0:21:55.039

listening and you now don't know what to

do you wanna say you know what


0:21:55.039,0:21:58.080

i wanna let you know that you this

behavior of yours


0:21:58.080,0:22:01.840

it's not all right and that's why this

is the consequence


0:22:01.840,0:22:05.120

we had the children in nurseries they

always torn books right they still don't


0:22:05.120,0:22:09.440

know they're learning books

so we tried we talked to them and then


0:22:09.440,0:22:12.640

few times we had to remove the books so

they would come and they would be like


0:22:12.640,0:22:15.840

where are the books

and we said no this is the consequence


0:22:15.840,0:22:20.080

you don't get any books because you keep

turning them but it doesn't mean that


0:22:20.080,0:22:24.240

the child is bad by doing it

it's just the behavior so now they learn


0:22:24.240,0:22:28.640

okay this is the consequence for

the behavior if i change my behavior i


0:22:28.640,0:22:32.559

will get

different results so very very important


0:22:32.559,0:22:35.520

differentiation and not telling them

you're not a girl you're not


0:22:35.520,0:22:38.799

just telling you are not behaving nice

right now and then


0:22:38.799,0:22:41.840

you know ask them to change their

behavior but never


0:22:41.840,0:22:46.240

express that you're disappointed in them

in them as a person and they're a bad


0:22:46.240,0:22:49.440

person and

because it really creates a self image


0:22:49.440,0:22:52.400

that's gonna

just you know naughty boy if you tell


0:22:52.400,0:22:54.320

them you're naughty or naughty or

naughty


0:22:54.320,0:22:57.520

they grow up they're teenagers they're

gonna look for trouble right because


0:22:57.520,0:23:01.200

they believe they're naughty

it's just the self-image we created very


0:23:01.200,0:23:04.400

powerful very important

and so it's it's the same the other way


0:23:04.400,0:23:08.640

around as well right

the same with saying good girl good boy


0:23:08.640,0:23:12.799

um

so my question to you is we are still i


0:23:12.799,0:23:16.960

think people are more aware of it now

yet we are still in a society where this


0:23:16.960,0:23:21.039

is still very common

people still use those words a lot so


0:23:21.039,0:23:23.760

even if you're say

for example in the playground and


0:23:23.760,0:23:27.919

another parent sees your child

doing something their response to that


0:23:27.919,0:23:31.840

is oh

well done or good girl or good job or


0:23:31.840,0:23:34.320

whatever it might be but it's a very

sort of


0:23:34.320,0:23:38.000

um they associate it with the person and

so


0:23:38.000,0:23:42.400

with that do you think having like a

school teacher or someone who's an


0:23:42.400,0:23:46.400

outside person saying those things would

that have the same impact on the child


0:23:46.400,0:23:50.720

if say for example your child is at

school and the teacher uses those words


0:23:50.720,0:23:54.240

oh that's naughty naughty boy

would that have the same impact on the


0:23:54.240,0:23:58.000

child as it would if the parents are

using the same words


0:23:58.000,0:24:01.279

it has especially in the first years i

believe it has


0:24:01.279,0:24:05.360

because people around us and especially

in nurseries and schools they spend a


0:24:05.360,0:24:09.039

lot of hours

and they also have attachment you know


0:24:09.039,0:24:12.640

with pair with teachers

i don't know i remember something my


0:24:12.640,0:24:15.919

teacher said that hurt me emotionally

you know when they were unfair


0:24:15.919,0:24:19.760

they gave this mark to this boy and it

wasn't fair they then gave it to me so


0:24:19.760,0:24:22.960

we really really remember these things

so i think


0:24:22.960,0:24:28.640

uh it has to be this kind of fairness

and also awareness a lot of teachers


0:24:28.640,0:24:32.559

they do have training

some they they're not aware of it yet


0:24:32.559,0:24:35.760

but

i think very important is you know that


0:24:35.760,0:24:38.480

they are trained they understand and

also parents


0:24:38.480,0:24:42.960

understand as well so it can have impact

for the positive things


0:24:42.960,0:24:46.000

um i mean we do want to build a positive

self-image


0:24:46.000,0:24:49.679

because if somebody believes they're

good they're behaving good right


0:24:49.679,0:24:54.080

um then yes they should be praised for

it and praising is something you want to


0:24:54.080,0:24:57.360

incorporate

as much as possible right but also you


0:24:57.360,0:25:01.200

can tell them wow this was really nice

behavior so if if


0:25:01.200,0:25:04.640

before for example they were not

listening or something was happening now


0:25:04.640,0:25:08.159

they're playing very nicely

you want to just go ahead and tell them


0:25:08.159,0:25:12.159

wow you're

you know playing so nice i'm so happy


0:25:12.159,0:25:15.200

right so you tell them that

now you are happy because of their


0:25:15.200,0:25:18.960

behavior right um

and things like that and it doesn't


0:25:18.960,0:25:23.600

always have to be

connected with rewards a lot of parents


0:25:23.600,0:25:26.159

want to you know okay

if you are good i'm going to give you a


0:25:26.159,0:25:30.240

reward so i always say don't negotiate

with children they need to learn that


0:25:30.240,0:25:33.120

they need to behave certain way even

nobody uh


0:25:33.120,0:25:36.400

rewards them you go to work and you work

hard and


0:25:36.400,0:25:40.240

i don't know you maybe never get

rewarded right so


0:25:40.240,0:25:43.919

in life we're not gonna always get a

reward so children also have to learn


0:25:43.919,0:25:46.400

that

they should behave good and play nicely


0:25:46.400,0:25:49.520

and play good just

to play good this is the behavior it's


0:25:49.520,0:25:54.240

acceptable and not to get the reward and

and very young they're gonna start maybe


0:25:54.240,0:25:57.760

when your two-year-old daughter is now

maybe starting to negotiate with you


0:25:57.760,0:26:01.600

okay i'm gonna do it if i get an ice

cream or if you go for a walk


0:26:01.600,0:26:06.799

so uh you wanna stop it in a way saying

okay you can get an ice cream today


0:26:06.799,0:26:10.000

uh you know but not that's not the

reason


0:26:10.000,0:26:14.720

why we're going outside or why you know

so we want to really make sure that they


0:26:14.720,0:26:18.720

learn to behave

certain way not just to get a reward for


0:26:18.720,0:26:21.600

the reward

yeah and then let me move if you're


0:26:21.600,0:26:25.919

finally let me move uh to another thing

um i think it's very important to


0:26:25.919,0:26:29.760

sometimes children have um

they need our support if they're


0:26:29.760,0:26:34.240

disappointed if somebody hurt them

you know if they had a fight with


0:26:34.240,0:26:38.559

friends and it's very important as

parents one mistake is if we don't give


0:26:38.559,0:26:41.120

them

a proper support if we're not listening


0:26:41.120,0:26:44.240

to them

if they have a need to express their


0:26:44.240,0:26:49.600

emotions because we do

want children and people in general to


0:26:49.600,0:26:53.360

learn to express their emotions

and we can see this differentiation


0:26:53.360,0:26:57.200

between men and women because society

was kind of teaching men


0:26:57.200,0:27:01.279

if you're a boy that says stop crying

you're a boy right and if they have a


0:27:01.279,0:27:04.720

need to cry

it should be fine that they're crying if


0:27:04.720,0:27:08.400

they need help if they need support and

men are also very very emotional


0:27:08.400,0:27:12.400

they're very emotional they need care

and this struggle uh this is what i see


0:27:12.400,0:27:15.440

through my work and coaching they

struggle so much because they don't know


0:27:15.440,0:27:19.520

how to express their emotions

they believe that it's a shame you know


0:27:19.520,0:27:23.120

to ask for help or support

and this is something that just society


0:27:23.120,0:27:26.960

taught them so if children

have some kind of needs to express


0:27:26.960,0:27:32.000

themselves they didn't have a need

to be cuddled and give comfort we don't


0:27:32.000,0:27:34.640

want to avoid that we

don't want to tell them you know toughen


0:27:34.640,0:27:39.279

up we really want to support them in

that as well


0:27:39.279,0:27:43.440

and then let me move to a fourth one um

fourth thing you want to avoid


0:27:43.440,0:27:49.600

is as parents husband and wife or two

uh you know um two parents you want to


0:27:49.600,0:27:52.640

avoid having

opposite opinions so you want to avoid


0:27:52.640,0:27:55.440

one parent saying no another parent

saying yes


0:27:55.440,0:27:59.679

and this was happening constantly in my

family and you have to understand your


0:27:59.679,0:28:03.200

child see you as one and see you as a

family


0:28:03.200,0:28:07.840

so when you say no and yes now child

feels like they're separated they're


0:28:07.840,0:28:10.640

literally torn

and they don't understand should they


0:28:10.640,0:28:13.360

listen decided should they listen that

side


0:28:13.360,0:28:18.559

and many parents uh sometimes we maybe

do it unintentionally but very often


0:28:18.559,0:28:22.480

we do it because of relationship we have

with one another


0:28:22.480,0:28:25.760

and um it's very important we

communicate


0:28:25.760,0:28:29.840

so we want to be on the same page with

our partner so they understand okay i


0:28:29.840,0:28:32.559

don't want them

you know i didn't give them for example


0:28:32.559,0:28:36.320

ice cream because of this

if i say they shouldn't have ice cream


0:28:36.320,0:28:40.960

every time i need you to support me

and sometimes you know um let's say a


0:28:40.960,0:28:45.120

dad who is working a lot they feel bad

because they don't see them often so now


0:28:45.120,0:28:48.399

they're just happy they're like so what

is the big deal just give them ice cream


0:28:48.399,0:28:51.760

or i'm gonna buy them a toy

and you really want to communicate and


0:28:51.760,0:28:55.520

say you know this was the i understand

your point of view what is my point of


0:28:55.520,0:28:58.159

view

and we want to be consistent because


0:28:58.159,0:29:02.720

children learn through consistency

uh if we are not consistent we then just


0:29:02.720,0:29:06.480

torn them

and make a confusion for them this is


0:29:06.480,0:29:11.520

the fourth thing and then the fifth one

is um saying no without explanation and


0:29:11.520,0:29:14.880

this is something we do on

everyday basis you just tell them no no


0:29:14.880,0:29:18.960

stop it no

no and they don't understand no


0:29:18.960,0:29:22.080

why we're saying no especially when

they're very young two years old three


0:29:22.080,0:29:24.960

years old they are now very intrigued

why are they telling me no


0:29:24.960,0:29:28.320

don't go there don't climb here we try

to


0:29:28.320,0:29:32.720

protect them but we don't see from their

perspective so they're just trying to


0:29:32.720,0:29:34.559

explore

and they want to know what's going to


0:29:34.559,0:29:39.279

happen right

so uh very important that if we give no


0:29:39.279,0:29:43.919

and we say no to children

they have to um we have to explain why


0:29:43.919,0:29:47.279

we're saying no

if they are you know rocking on the


0:29:47.279,0:29:49.600

chair

this is example i often mentioned you


0:29:49.600,0:29:52.799

want to tell them you know can you

please stop rocking on the chair


0:29:52.799,0:29:56.159

because you can hurt and bump your head

and then


0:29:56.159,0:30:00.080

um they understand what's the

consequence of their behavior


0:30:00.080,0:30:04.159

if they continue doing it and they fell

down now they start crying you're gonna


0:30:04.159,0:30:06.960

tell them

you know i already explained you and you


0:30:06.960,0:30:12.080

decided to keep doing it so next time

you know maybe you can listen because


0:30:12.080,0:30:14.720

and learn from things that we are

telling you


0:30:14.720,0:30:18.480

so very very important that we just

don't tell them no also if they're


0:30:18.480,0:30:21.919

asking for something you know can i go

and play with my friends or can i do


0:30:21.919,0:30:25.039

when they're a little bit older

uh can i do this and you just tell them


0:30:25.039,0:30:28.080

no you know like

this is because i said so you know


0:30:28.080,0:30:32.080

somebody said because i said so

and then you remember probably yourself


0:30:32.080,0:30:34.720

sometimes parents and you're like i'm a

good child


0:30:34.720,0:30:38.880

why they're telling me no i just want to

go and play or i just want to do this


0:30:38.880,0:30:43.039

and um we have to look into ourselves in

our emotional state


0:30:43.039,0:30:48.320

why we are forbidding this why and maybe

explain to the child no today we're busy


0:30:48.320,0:30:53.279

i'm not able to drive you or um

i cannot organize my time right we want


0:30:53.279,0:30:57.840

to tell them and they have to understand

this is family so we function together


0:30:57.840,0:31:01.760

not always we can accommodate everything

but telling them just


0:31:01.760,0:31:05.279

know they're going to be sometimes hurt

and confused especially as they're


0:31:05.279,0:31:08.960

growing towards teenage

age we tend to tell them no you cannot


0:31:08.960,0:31:13.360

do this no you cannot go out

and they then sometimes i remember


0:31:13.360,0:31:16.880

myself i'm like well i'm a good child we

don't do anything wrong we just want to


0:31:16.880,0:31:21.440

be out go for a walk and so ever

and uh parents sometimes just you know


0:31:21.440,0:31:26.880

try to control yourself

so i think very very important that uh


0:31:26.880,0:31:30.960

we explain them why

we we said no or you know to do certain


0:31:30.960,0:31:34.640

things

that's really um interesting i love um


0:31:34.640,0:31:39.440

all of those points especially

i think the example of the ice cream


0:31:39.440,0:31:44.320

like really resonates with me

um and it's so true right like it it's


0:31:44.320,0:31:47.120

it's the case all the time but it's to

remember that you know you should


0:31:47.120,0:31:50.480

discuss this

um together and actually have like a


0:31:50.480,0:31:53.760

joint approach to it

um especially with little things like


0:31:53.760,0:31:57.440

that you sometimes don't realize what

impact that will have on your child


0:31:57.440,0:32:02.799

um so that's all the negative stuff

let's move on to the things that we can


0:32:02.799,0:32:06.720

do to have a

like the positive um impacts that we can


0:32:06.720,0:32:08.880

have on

obviously if we avoid these things then


0:32:08.880,0:32:10.960

we'll have a positive impact on the

child


0:32:10.960,0:32:13.840

but these are the things that we should

be avoiding but what are the things that


0:32:13.840,0:32:16.640

we should be

doing more of every day that will also


0:32:16.640,0:32:21.919

have a positive impact on our child

well first of all i like to take parents


0:32:21.919,0:32:25.679

take care of yourself

right you have to take care of yourself


0:32:25.679,0:32:28.320

because if you don't

you're not going to be emotionally if


0:32:28.320,0:32:31.279

you don't have a good sleep if you don't

nurture yourself


0:32:31.279,0:32:34.320

if you you know if you like to meditate

exercise


0:32:34.320,0:32:38.480

take this time for yourself because as

you feel better you're going to be able


0:32:38.480,0:32:42.640

to be happier and enjoy more

so this is number one thing definitely


0:32:42.640,0:32:45.200

and i mentioned when we talked about

imagination


0:32:45.200,0:32:50.880

just allow children to have time to play

uh very important also to from early


0:32:50.880,0:32:53.200

years teach children to play on their

own


0:32:53.200,0:32:56.720

right so they should be able to have

some kind of time they should have


0:32:56.720,0:33:00.240

engagement with you

but also they should be able to to play


0:33:00.240,0:33:02.399

on their own

sit in the corner play with their


0:33:02.399,0:33:07.440

favorite toy not always needing an adult

attention and this is what builds them


0:33:07.440,0:33:10.880

in being more independent

and then of course if they want you if


0:33:10.880,0:33:14.159

they want to communicate with you or

they ask you something to join for a


0:33:14.159,0:33:16.720

little bit

uh then you join and you play with them


0:33:16.720,0:33:20.240

so i think this helps them and ask them

those questions like i mentioned


0:33:20.240,0:33:23.600

ask them what are they thinking about

what they're imagining what would they


0:33:23.600,0:33:26.480

like to do when they grow up you know so

they're gonna tell you all of these


0:33:26.480,0:33:29.840

stories

and just support their imaginations just


0:33:29.840,0:33:33.919

tell them wow this is

such a nice idea i think it's it's uh


0:33:33.919,0:33:37.440

it's

great very creative and so on


0:33:37.440,0:33:41.919

and then we said we want to avoid

mocking right and opposite of that


0:33:41.919,0:33:45.760

um we want to praise children so we

talked about praising


0:33:45.760,0:33:49.600

i think very important praising the

behavior um


0:33:49.600,0:33:53.679

building the positive self-image of them

of course every child will have moments


0:33:53.679,0:33:56.000

they're gonna have

phases when they go through and their


0:33:56.000,0:33:59.279

behavior can be you know a little bit

more difficult for us


0:33:59.279,0:34:02.399

they are uh especially children who are

very strong


0:34:02.399,0:34:06.080

tempered and very strong individuals i

think you are going through this right


0:34:06.080,0:34:08.320

so they are really pushing the

boundaries


0:34:08.320,0:34:11.599

they are trying what they can do where

their limits


0:34:11.599,0:34:15.040

you know and they love to be in control

of their life so


0:34:15.040,0:34:18.639

so very funny to see them how they're so

young


0:34:18.639,0:34:23.359

and so tiny but so powerful actually on

the things they want they know what they


0:34:23.359,0:34:27.119

want to do they know what they

don't like and we kind of want to keep


0:34:27.119,0:34:31.919

this personality as they growing up

so you know even we talked about this


0:34:31.919,0:34:35.839

when we spoke last time but you know

it's difficult for you as a parent to


0:34:35.839,0:34:38.960

deal with the child that is stubborn

they know what they want


0:34:38.960,0:34:43.040

they're not going to you know listen

sometimes but we want to say i want


0:34:43.040,0:34:46.320

them to keep this when they're growing

up because they're going to be strong


0:34:46.320,0:34:51.359

decision maker so well that asks i mean

i have a question then so


0:34:51.359,0:34:55.280

how much of what we do has an impact and

how much of it is


0:34:55.280,0:34:59.599

just personality because of course they

have an element of


0:34:59.599,0:35:03.200

their personalities because they're born

with certain traits


0:35:03.200,0:35:07.520

and so how much can we have an impact on

on those things


0:35:07.520,0:35:10.880

as parents we can definitely have an

impact


0:35:10.880,0:35:15.040

so when we study when i study psychology

and behavior psychology they believe


0:35:15.040,0:35:19.040

like children are just born like empty

board right and if you give them a child


0:35:19.040,0:35:22.800

i will make them

successful or make them a criminal um


0:35:22.800,0:35:27.920

and then we learn if this is not 100

true because we really have


0:35:27.920,0:35:31.200

uh we really have our our own uh temper

our own


0:35:31.200,0:35:35.760

personality character and so on so i

don't believe children are blank at all


0:35:35.760,0:35:38.160

they do need our help to survive when

they're


0:35:38.160,0:35:42.480

young but they are very very their own

you know spiritual beings i believe we


0:35:42.480,0:35:46.720

are spiritual beings

so uh but we can definitely make an


0:35:46.720,0:35:49.359

impact right so you can create from a

child


0:35:49.359,0:35:53.599

uh we can see this in children who are

sometimes going in you know uh


0:35:53.599,0:35:58.400

violence growing in the family that are

not emotionally supporting them they can


0:35:58.400,0:36:04.400

become extremely

uh you know unconfident they can


0:36:04.400,0:36:08.160

even you know not be successful because

now they have poor self-image of


0:36:08.160,0:36:10.960

themselves

but on the other hand we can really


0:36:10.960,0:36:15.680

build a child into having a strong image

of themselves and support them to do


0:36:15.680,0:36:20.720

things and keep going

so they achieve uh good results


0:36:20.720,0:36:24.720

that's interesting so i was just curious

because it just


0:36:24.720,0:36:27.839

you read everywhere that you are their

guide and their mentor


0:36:27.839,0:36:31.920

rather than you know like i think that's

that's


0:36:31.920,0:36:35.119

pretty much um everywhere you read now

that


0:36:35.119,0:36:39.040

the idea is that as a parent you should

be their guide and i just wondered how


0:36:39.040,0:36:41.440

much

are you able to guide them over how much


0:36:41.440,0:36:44.640

is actually just like

that they're born with so that's really


0:36:44.640,0:36:48.320

interesting to hear

we can guide them you know and one of


0:36:48.320,0:36:52.720

the people also uh people i love to

listen and read his books of


0:36:52.720,0:36:57.280

wayne dyer right he was such a powerful

speaker an outdoor and he spoke about


0:36:57.280,0:36:59.599

parenting a lot he was a parent i think

he had


0:36:59.599,0:37:03.599

six or seven children and i was very

surprised i was listening to his podcast


0:37:03.599,0:37:07.200

right and he was

he was a he's such a spiritual being and


0:37:07.200,0:37:10.320

such an educated person

and then for example i was very


0:37:10.320,0:37:14.720

surprised to hear uh him saying

of that his daughter was having problem


0:37:14.720,0:37:19.680

with narcotics right and addictions

um and you would say oh he's you know


0:37:19.680,0:37:24.000

he's such a person who is

always you know know how to lead know


0:37:24.000,0:37:26.560

how to give this certain freedom and

support


0:37:26.560,0:37:30.640

but then you know children go their own

way and sometimes they have to learn


0:37:30.640,0:37:34.720

they have to make mistakes

very important you know parents tell you


0:37:34.720,0:37:37.680

don't do this and

we all fall in love and we had broken


0:37:37.680,0:37:42.079

hearts right at least once in our life

so i believe we have to go through this


0:37:42.079,0:37:46.560

we have to experience things on our own

so you have to guide them but you also


0:37:46.560,0:37:49.440

have to understand that

you know they're gonna make their own


0:37:49.440,0:37:52.560

decision at the end of the day

and they have to understand they're


0:37:52.560,0:37:54.720

going to be consequences for those

decisions


0:37:54.720,0:37:59.440

you are there to support them uh but uh

in certain things he said something very


0:37:59.440,0:38:02.960

interesting that

he um in those situations when he deal


0:38:02.960,0:38:06.160

with her addictions

he understood that she was actually in a


0:38:06.160,0:38:11.119

way you know over protected and

he needed her to step up and take


0:38:11.119,0:38:15.280

responsibility so he had to cut

everything like financial support


0:38:15.280,0:38:20.240

everything for her so she goes on her

personal journey and she changed herself


0:38:20.240,0:38:24.400

so you know they have to they have to we

have to do it on our own at the end of


0:38:24.400,0:38:27.920

the day and uh

um yeah and it's interesting to see also


0:38:27.920,0:38:31.440

when we're siblings right

so how things can influence us in a


0:38:31.440,0:38:34.800

different way

i see my i have a sister and a brother


0:38:34.800,0:38:38.000

and i can see

how much of a different i am with a sis


0:38:38.000,0:38:41.200

my sister

um so i used certain things that


0:38:41.200,0:38:45.040

happened to me like i became even

stronger i became you know


0:38:45.040,0:38:49.839

advocate for them so powerful while for

her maybe the fact that her confidence


0:38:49.839,0:38:53.440

she's a different different character so

depends or our


0:38:53.440,0:38:58.320

kind of foundation but we can still even

go to the same thing we can become


0:38:58.320,0:39:02.640

different people absolutely there is no

yeah there is no black and white answer


0:39:02.640,0:39:06.079

i always say you know

it's not like a wisdom and one solution


0:39:06.079,0:39:09.680

fits all no

and you can have same situation with


0:39:09.680,0:39:13.280

your child

uh one week ago and once another time


0:39:13.280,0:39:17.040

today and you're gonna it's gonna have

completely obvious results right


0:39:17.040,0:39:20.160

which is what makes parenting so

difficult i think right because there's


0:39:20.160,0:39:24.000

no black and white there's no

book there's no guide that's the same


0:39:24.000,0:39:26.960

for everybody so

yeah i totally agree with that i wish it


0:39:26.960,0:39:30.320

was a bit simpler

um but yeah there's so many factors that


0:39:30.320,0:39:33.119

come into play when you're when you're

talking about children


0:39:33.119,0:39:36.240

and one thing i did want to ask you

because you touched on


0:39:36.240,0:39:41.280

using like negative words or phrases to

associated with a child instead of their


0:39:41.280,0:39:45.599

behavior

how does it have the opposite impact in


0:39:45.599,0:39:48.640

that if you tell a girl that she's

beautiful


0:39:48.640,0:39:54.160

or a boy that he's handsome how does

that impact them growing up because


0:39:54.160,0:39:57.839

one thing that i've sort of learned and

read is that you shouldn't really do


0:39:57.839,0:40:00.320

that

but at the same time if you don't then


0:40:00.320,0:40:04.000

tell them that you

you think as a parent or as a mother or


0:40:04.000,0:40:06.640

a father that you think they're

beautiful or handsome then


0:40:06.640,0:40:11.680

doesn't that mean that they then feel

that they're not


0:40:11.680,0:40:15.839

um i think it depends on our character i

think what we want to develop


0:40:15.839,0:40:19.599

because they're gonna come across uh

children's tell them you're stupid


0:40:19.599,0:40:22.560

you're ugly

and if they come through that you wanna


0:40:22.560,0:40:26.000

tell them you know people are going to

tell you a lot of things but


0:40:26.000,0:40:29.040

not everything people say is true so

what


0:40:29.040,0:40:32.319

matters is what you think about yourself

and


0:40:32.319,0:40:35.680

uh you know some children i don't know i

heard these stories and some children


0:40:35.680,0:40:39.680

say no but i'm not beautiful and so on

so you want to have them rebuild


0:40:39.680,0:40:43.200

and understand that they are right they

are beautiful and and


0:40:43.200,0:40:46.880

beauty it's such a you know concept that

there is no


0:40:46.880,0:40:49.920

there is no like what is beautiful

everybody consider different things


0:40:49.920,0:40:53.839

beautiful

um so i think it's very important that


0:40:53.839,0:40:56.240

we learn teach them to think on their

own


0:40:56.240,0:41:00.240

this is the most important thing so

people want to tell you a lot of things


0:41:00.240,0:41:03.440

people are going to tell you sometimes

you know that you're stupid that you're


0:41:03.440,0:41:07.200

rude that you are ugly

and children can be sometimes very mean


0:41:07.200,0:41:11.440

right so they can fight

and say those things and uh for our


0:41:11.440,0:41:15.440

child we want to tell them you know uh

other people in life are gonna tell you


0:41:15.440,0:41:18.400

a lot of things but they don't have to

mean they're true


0:41:18.400,0:41:22.079

only thing that's true is what you think

about yourself so you teach them to and


0:41:22.079,0:41:25.040

you

ask them do you think you're stupid and


0:41:25.040,0:41:27.839

if they say

yes then you're going to say well no


0:41:27.839,0:41:31.760

look you saw this

solution you saw this game you were


0:41:31.760,0:41:36.160

thinking you're speaking

so you wanna show them some facts that


0:41:36.160,0:41:38.720

are not true

right it's not true that the child is


0:41:38.720,0:41:42.640

stupid or ugly

um and so on because you don't want them


0:41:42.640,0:41:46.720

to be

um focused on their appearance which is


0:41:46.720,0:41:50.720

why i think that there's the advice of

not sort of always telling them that


0:41:50.720,0:41:54.640

they're beautiful or handsome and not

constantly sort of telling them on that


0:41:54.640,0:41:58.800

but at the same time you don't want them

to have low self-esteem either


0:41:58.800,0:42:02.800

so i mean i don't see anything wrong if

we tell them we should also tell them


0:42:02.800,0:42:06.079

you know that we love them

but i think we should have balance on


0:42:06.079,0:42:10.319

reflecting on their behavior

or how they are as person personality


0:42:10.319,0:42:13.440

you know like when they're funny you can

tell them they're funny


0:42:13.440,0:42:16.720

uh and things like that it's not always

a focus uh on


0:42:16.720,0:42:21.520

being beautiful and being um handsome

but i think we should balance with other


0:42:21.520,0:42:24.319

characteristics as well right so they

understand that


0:42:24.319,0:42:27.520

they have a lot of qualities in them

which makes us a pers


0:42:27.520,0:42:31.760

a person person right so it's more about

our character at the end of the day


0:42:31.760,0:42:35.200

and how we treat others so something

that's


0:42:35.200,0:42:38.560

gonna leave an impact on people around

us


0:42:38.560,0:42:43.920

that's really um insightful um i wanted

to sort of bring everything together


0:42:43.920,0:42:47.520

there and say

i know you've probably got a list of


0:42:47.520,0:42:50.800

other things that you want to share

but i don't want to sort of take up too


0:42:50.800,0:42:54.720

much of your time and also

i don't want this to go on for too long


0:42:54.720,0:42:58.240

so we'll definitely

maybe get back together and talk about


0:42:58.240,0:43:01.040

confidence at some point and raising

sort of more confident


0:43:01.040,0:43:04.400

or independent confident children and

but is there anything so


0:43:04.400,0:43:08.160

vital that you want to add that you

really wanted to say and that i've not


0:43:08.160,0:43:11.599

managed to let you sort of talk about

yet


0:43:11.599,0:43:16.319

well there's so many things i mean uh

but when it comes to this topic at the


0:43:16.319,0:43:21.119

end of the day i would just say

to parents first of all we have to build


0:43:21.119,0:43:24.079

our self-image

and you know very often we beat


0:43:24.079,0:43:27.440

ourselves and we are so hard on

ourselves if you make a mistake


0:43:27.440,0:43:30.640

and you're gonna have a day when you

might be maybe gonna snap you're gonna


0:43:30.640,0:43:34.400

lose your patience you may

shout uh you might say something and


0:43:34.400,0:43:37.760

then you're gonna say oh

i shouldn't say this and then parents


0:43:37.760,0:43:41.119

are really obsessed will this leave a

big consequence


0:43:41.119,0:43:44.640

and you know you just want to become

aware of yourself


0:43:44.640,0:43:48.480

and work on yourself but i would just

say don't be too hard on yourself you're


0:43:48.480,0:43:52.480

doing amazing job and

everybody are doing this you know nobody


0:43:52.480,0:43:57.280

is perfect we all have

good days and bad days um so just


0:43:57.280,0:44:02.160

just be easy love yourself first right

be compassionate with yourself say


0:44:02.160,0:44:05.680

you know i was really tired and just let

it let go of it


0:44:05.680,0:44:10.640

just don't look in the past too much

just look forward this is nothing


0:44:10.640,0:44:14.640

yeah i love that be compassionate and

like you know compassionate towards


0:44:14.640,0:44:19.280

yourself and i think um

that's really important because and the


0:44:19.280,0:44:20.880

other thing that i would just like to

add


0:44:20.880,0:44:24.079

is that it's okay to tell your child

that you made a mistake right


0:44:24.079,0:44:27.680

like i think sometimes we forget that

you know just because we're a parent


0:44:27.680,0:44:30.800

doesn't mean

that you can't admit to your child that


0:44:30.800,0:44:35.200

actually you lost your cool

actually yeah it's very important that


0:44:35.200,0:44:39.040

we admit because then we are all

modeling them right if you shout and you


0:44:39.040,0:44:43.200

say look i make a mistake

i wasn't behaving appropriately i'm


0:44:43.200,0:44:46.640

really sorry for my behavior again

you're emphasizing on your behavior i


0:44:46.640,0:44:49.440

was very tired

and that wasn't right i'm gonna behave


0:44:49.440,0:44:52.880

better next time so you admit your

mistake and now they're gonna learn to


0:44:52.880,0:44:55.839

admit their mistake and don't apologize

as well


0:44:55.839,0:44:59.520

i think that's an amazing place to end

i'd love for you to tell us


0:44:59.520,0:45:03.040

where is the best place to find you um

how do


0:45:03.040,0:45:09.319

people and our listeners get in touch

with you so i have my website it's


0:45:09.319,0:45:12.640

www.nevenabajalis.com

and over there they have my email they


0:45:12.640,0:45:15.839

have also my podcast i have my own

podcast as well


0:45:15.839,0:45:20.160

they have i have a free webinars that

i'm launching so one is already


0:45:20.160,0:45:25.440

ready over there around about parenting

i also have some of my um starting


0:45:25.440,0:45:28.720

online courses they're very good jump

start for parents


0:45:28.720,0:45:32.400

to give them some tools how to deal with

different emotions and understand


0:45:32.400,0:45:36.880

themselves better and their

partner and child and then yes i do


0:45:36.880,0:45:40.720

coaching so they can also book and apply

for coaching over there


0:45:40.720,0:45:44.800

i have a free book three steps for

successful parenting they can download


0:45:44.800,0:45:47.920

my

uh free ebook they're more than welcome


0:45:47.920,0:45:49.920

and

it's just going to ask you to subscribe


0:45:49.920,0:45:51.680

and they're going to receive some

newsletter


0:45:51.680,0:45:54.960

and news and invitations to free

webinars and events


0:45:54.960,0:45:58.079

that i'm going to do in the future so

yes


0:45:58.079,0:46:01.520

that's amazing thank you so much i'll

link all of that into the show notes


0:46:01.520,0:46:05.520

so the listeners um will be able to find

you easily i'd like to thank you once


0:46:05.520,0:46:09.280

again

yes i'm on instagram facebook linkedin


0:46:09.280,0:46:12.800

youtube as well

it's just my name so they can find me


0:46:12.800,0:46:15.920

there as well i'll link your website and

your social channels


0:46:15.920,0:46:21.760

um in the show notes thank you again and

it's so lovely speaking with you thank


0:46:21.760,0:46:25.839

you it was my pleasure thank you